Does it break your heart .......?

October 28th 2006
Budaiya

DOES IT BREAK YOUR HEART .......?

Does it break your heart when you created something for yourself and in the end someone else takes your place ?

Does this happen to anyone...or is it me...only me that is having a tough luck in this world ?

Many many moons back, we decided to share our lives, in sickness and in health and all those sweet nothings.We went looking for a new house and found one that was suitable to his needs. He needed a studio to house all his sounds equipments, so a house with a basement was priority. A simple brick house with a big compound and an apple tree in the back yard was what we decided upon. He spruced up the house, gave it a new coat of paint and did a bit of renovation, adding a bathroom and a bigger closet.
As what had been known, we can only plan but God executes it.
Things happened and I found out about the existence of a third party and called it quits. It was hard and painful.
Painful to see what should be rightfully yours, suddenly changed hands.
Suddenly someone else moved in and take over what you have worked before.
And I was left with nothing but a feeling of lost and rejection.
Up till today, at the back of my mind I am still thinking that the place belongs to me, and I should have been the one having a flower garden in the summer months. It is a rerun of a battered movie of me and my new family.
It should me beside him sitting on the swing on the back deck enjoying quiet moments in the autumn of our lives.

Back to the present.......
And now I am watching someone else taking over my place again. She and her followers are of course laughing with glee. It breaks my heart yet once again to see someone else sitting at my place.
How I wish I have the ability to be like a chameleon and be able to put on a fake smile and carry on without any feelings of remorse.

They say that all these trials and tribulations will make aperson stronger. God will not present you with anything unless he knew that you can handle it. And when you are down and out, you will remember God and it will make you closer to Him.

ps:
There is always a rainbow after a rain.
Lets wait for that rainbow.......shall we ?

My new hope

October 26th 2006
Budaiya

Today is the fourth day of Eid, and I am still up at the wee hours of the morning just like in Ramadhan, when we wake up for syahur. I guess the body is already attuned and it will take a few more days to get back to the normal cycle.
The celebration is still there till the end of the month. But for me, works started on the second day of Eid. I had a fair bit to catch up. I was actually a bit under the weather and a few extra hours of rest was wonderful specially when the medication made you drowsy.

I had a little suprise in my email on tuesday morning. Along with the Hari Raya greetings, was attached a very meaningful song. Beautiful lyrics and wonderful musics. That really made my day... thanks again... you know who you are...who sent me the song. The song made me feel alive again, it gives me hope and sort of pointing me to the direction that I have been meaning to take. Insyaallah.

There are times...in our lives when we have gone off-course, took a wrong turn,
missed a direction and got lost. It is never too late to turn back.

First of Syawal 1427H

Cahaya Syawal

The first ray of Syawal 1427H. Ramadhan is gone and it certainly brought tears to a lot of people. Nevertheless Syawal is here, let us rejoice and pray that we will meet again with next Ramadhan.
Here I would like to wish Eid Mubarak to everyone who celebrates the joyous occasion.
With special thoughts of those dear beloved that had left me from this world, and those that had left my life in search of greener pastures.

Eid celebration here is not as happy and merry, probably because we are away from home and there are no relatives here to celebrate with. It is a little bit quiet and on top of that I am not feeling very well. So after taking my medication, I was just resting at home and spent some time chatting.
My colleagues cooked a few nice dishes but I have no appetite to eat, I ended up having vegetable soup for lunch.
Earlier on I had cooked some beef rendang,nasi impit, and bake a chocolate cake.

And I have these two daily regular visitors perched outside my windows.
Even the birds have a partner...!

May we all be Blessed thewhole year through till we see the next Ramadhan and Hope that what I had dreamt will come true. Amen !

To whom it may concern...!

Quack...Quack...Quack...

You gave me fever

October 17th 2006
Budaiya

The headache that I was having a couple of days back am now almost giving me a fever. It is not helping when someone is stressing you with some issues. Huge issues. I couldnt concentrate in my work and that is not healthy.
It is suppossed to be a merry occassion to celebrate Eid in six days time. But what I feel is a complete emptiness...like a void... all things stood still. Not a drift. Not a sound.
And he said... use this experience as a lesson...!

... Everything happened for a reason...!
That sure was calming balm to my wounded soul. I just need to pacify myself that, believe in the Almighty, since he loved all his ummah.As long as we remember Him, and be grateful for all that he has bestowed upon us.

Which reminds me of the song 'fever' by Boney M

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever, that's so hard to bear

You give me fever, when you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever, in the morning
Fever all through the night

Sun lights up the daytime
Moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name
And I know I'm gonna treat you right

You give me fever, when you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever, in the morning
Fever all through the night

Everybody gots the fever [Should be "Everybody's got..."]
That is something you all know
Fever isn't such a new thing
Fever started long ago

Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet, she felt the same
When he put his arms around her
He said "Julie Baby, You're my flame"

Thou givest fever, when he kisseth
Fever with thy flaming youth
Fever, I'm afire
Fever, yeah I burn for thou

Captain Smith and Pocahontas
Had a very very mad affair
When her Daddy tried to kill him
She said, "Daddy, Oh, Don't you dare!"

You give me fever [Should be "He gives me fever"]
With his kisses
Fever when he holds me tight
Fever, I'm his Misses
Daddy, won't you treat him right?

Now you've listened to my story
Here's a point that I have made
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade

They give you Fever, when you kiss them
Fever, if you live, you learn
Fever, 'till you sizzle
What a lovely way to burn

They give you Fever, when you kiss them
Fever, if you live and learn
Fever, 'til you sizzle
What a lovely way to burn

What a lovely way to burn (they give you fever)
What a lovely way to burn (they give you fever)
What a lovely way to burn (they give you fever)
What a lovely way to burn (they give you fever)
What a lovely way to burn (they give you fever)
What a lovely way to burn
What a lovely way to burn


PS:
On a sweet note, a colleague came by and brought some kuih
for iftar, a traditional sweet dessert, made of glutinous rice topped with a layer
of custard, gula melaka,coconut milk and durian paste...!
Now that is special.

Not a beautiful sunday anymore

October 15th 2006
Budaiya

I used to love sundays, since I was young. On sunday my late father and brother would be home. Mother always cook something special and it was always good when everyone was home.
But now sunday is just another working day. Friday has taken over sunday. Sunday has lost its magical touch.

And this sunday I have been having a severe headache. It started last night and I was feeling really bad. It was a similar feeling that I had sometime back when I was losing someone. Its just another two ships passing by at night, both going in the opposite directions in time for sunrise the next morning.
Dejavu.
Knowing that you are going to lose something is not a good feeling. No matter what you do, its gone again. Opportunity only knocks on your door once. And if you dont open that door, it will never come knocking again. It saddened me no end, but I have to accept it. Just another its not meant to be kinda thing.
And yet...why do I feel so sad ? Why do I keep thinking about it ? Why did I let go ?

PS:
Try this tea drink with basil seeds. They have a few varieties, green tea with basil seeds and honey with basil seeds. It is cooling and the basil seeds reminded me of 'sirap with selasih' drinks we used to have during ramadhan.

Bread pudding

October 13th 2006
Budaiya

This is the third friday for ramadhan. Its quiet in the homefront, apart from doing my usual household chores, I managed to try making my first bread pudding using my newly bought oven. It didnt turn out very well...I think I overcooked it. But it is still edible. So I promised myself that I am going to bake some cookies for Eid.

PS:
And to my dismay I found out that I have nothing much to talk to a friend today.
One of those days again I supposed.
Funny though, you feel that you missed a person, but you have nothing to say.
He kept saying that he could read whats in my heart and in my mind but will not disclosed it to me.
Am I that transparent ? Did I let the cat out of the bag again ?
Nah..he was just pulling my leg.

Happy Birthday to EB.......wherever you are

October 11th 2006
Budaiya

The eleventh of october

Someone is celebrating a birthday today.
Someone who decided to just disappear without a trace...
Let alone a goodbye,
Without a reason.
Without a word.

It was the New Year Eve of 2004.
The last time I heard his voice.
The last message that I had from him.

My phone calls were unanswered.
My messages were not returned.
My emails were not replied.

And I knew he was not dead.

His photos grazed the magazine pages.
His names appear somewhere as the webmaster
His car parked at his office building
His harley vrooming into the desert
And he was not alone.......

Almost 3 years now.
The hurt is less painful
The wound has healed
But the scar still remains.......
Years go by,
Memories stay
As near and dear as yesterday.

Yet the memories are still haunting my mind
The places we used to go
The walks on the beach
Just gazing at the far horizons
Those bright lights at the causeway
Those wonderful moments...

Its like everytime ... everywhere
Theres not a spot when I didnt think of you.......

We had some good years together
And I'd like to remember those
With a little sadness
With a little smile



EULOGY FOR EB
Like the summer's rain
And pearl of morning dew
Never to be found again
Someone as dear as you


HAPPY BIRTHDAY EB.......!
Still missed, still loved, and ever dear.
Memories in my heart today
Mean more than words can ever say.

Down memory lane of my Alma Mater

October 10th 2006
Budaiya

Down memory lane of my Alma Mater

I was thinking about my old school yesterday and went online hoping to find something.
I was lucky that they have a website now and I was able to view some pictures of my beloved school.
That school hold a dear place in my heart, and I shall never forget all the years that I have spent there. Six years in all.
It was my first experience to be away from home, getting into the routine of a full boarding school and it has thought me a great deal about life, especially being "independent".And I am thankful, for it has shaped me into the person that I am now.

The photographs brought back lots of memories and I feel kind of sad in a way. Nostalgic perhaps. Looking at the school compound, where we used to have evening walks just before the bell rings for dinner. The prep hours, the dining hall, the dormitories, the classrooms.......

Only then I found out that I had missed their 50th anniversary celebration on 1st july 2006.

Deep down in my heart I had always have the intention of visiting the school again. Perhaps I would be able to do that the next time I am in JB. I missed all my friends, all of which we have lost contact since years ago.
I wonder where are they now...
It would be good if we could meet up again.

15th day of Ramadhan

October 7th 2006
Budaiya

Today is the 15th day of Ramadhan.

Nothing special for dinner this evening, just plain rice with chicken with potatoes in coconut milk, fried fish and some vegetables on the side. No dessert today except for some figs and dates.
There was a full moon to keep me company and it was so beautiful, like a big lighted ball in the vast sky.

While having my iftar just now, I saw a special evening programme on tv, all about Ramadhan and how it is being celebrated in Muslim countries.
It is a Malaysian programme and everday I try not to miss it, since I could still catch a glimpse of my country. But today, it shows the Eid celebration, on the first day of Aidil Fitri. The "takbir" really touched my heart, and suddenly I felt so homesick and lonely and I feel like going home to celebrate Eid with my family. I really missed the Aidil Fitri celebration.

Unknowingly tears were streaming down my face when I heard the takbir. The sadness keeps coming back, the nostalgia keep pouring in.Luckily no one was around.
For the whole night I was and still am feeling sad with all the memories keep coming back.

Do we forgive and forget ?

October 7th 2006
Budaiya

Do we forgive and forget ?

NO and NO.
I have always tried to reflect on my not being able to forgive and forget that easily.
Someone did say that to forgive is the best way to come to terms with the situation and move on.
Only time may be able to make you remember less or unless otherwise alzheimer would do it perfectly.

How could we forget if we had been hurt badly ?
And sometimes it is traumatizing and may affect someones future.
Worst still it could turn someone to be hostile and be psychologically affected.

Anyway, my point here is when someone shoot out some bad and damaging remarks towards you that may be tarnishing your reputation. How could we simply forgive this ? Let alone forget.

God has given you the creativity and ability to do certain works.
But at the same time God is able to take it all back in a split second.

What if the backpain that you are having gets more severe and you would be paralysed and confined to a wheel chair.

What if you are not able to make use of your hands to hold the mouse to draw again ?

What if....... what if.......
The thing is that nothing lasts forever. You have got to make the best of situation while it lasts.
Today you may be able to brag about your capabilities and talents. In your very own eyes you are talented, and you have your followers who followed you with a blindfold and earplugs, without a question that they look up to you because you were their teacher before. Cant blame them since they are very patriotic and defensive of their countryman.

So we shall see....... this is not the end of the saga yet.
What goes round will come around. Enjoy the view at the top while you are there.
For one day you will come down and all you can do is just looking up but you could not go up again.

Moral of the story is to stay humble and be thankful to whatever God has blessed us with. There is no need to shoot poison arrows to anyone.
For whatever you send, will definitely come back you.

Someone said that God has a SPP, that is Standard Package Procedure.
You would see the results of whatever you do in no time. Be it good or bad.

Being the Holy month of Ramadhan, I asked for your forgiveness and guidance.

My expired peanut sauce

October 6th 2006
Budaiya

A nice and windy day here,for a change and it is getting cooler. The so called winter is finally on the way.
I had the opportunity to sleep in for a bit, missed my syahur eventhough the alarm clock was set to 3pm.
I just couldnt wake up. Anyway i still managed to continue with my fasting, but the bad news is that I can feel my body is being deprived of the 8 glasses of water. My lips started cracking and an ulcer is bothering me. It is so painful that I find it difficult to eat.
I was searching for dessert recipes to cook for iftar,
but end up not cooking at all. Just managed to prepare some soup, my version of minestrone soup. With whatever is left in my larder. Not bad.
I have always love soups.
I had put in some meat, carrots, potatoes, chickpeas, tomatoes and lots of oregano and pepper.

While cleaning my larder, I found some expired food items... now could I still use them ? They still looks good. No moulds.
It would be such a waste to throw them out.
My eyes are always bigger than my stomach, when buying food items. I thought I would have time to cook this and that, but in the end the packages stood silently in the cupboard.I feel sad if I have to throw them.
Next time I should tell myself and remember not to 'overbuy'...buy only the items that I want to cook at that moment.
Sigh.

Meeting an old friend

October 5th 2006
Budaiya

My trip to Doha was good and fruitful. Spent the whole morning till 1pm sorting out the work related stuff and in the evening, met up with an old friend. It was so nice seeing her again after more than a year. I last saw her Singapore last july. From the look of it she is doing well in Doha, but she still have that "loneliness" and missing the family bugs. We met for iftar and as usual we can never finish talking and catching up on each other's life.
The iftar buffet was really a great temptation, but how much can one eat after a long day of fasting.Among all those nicely presented food, I still prefer the good old minestrone soup, eaten with some bread and herb butter.

What surprises me most was that the hotel's restaurant in Doha is open during ramadhan...!!!
And anyone can just walk in and eat.